


Stillness

by meeko_the_raccoon



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: F/F, Lots Of Sad, Memorial Day Fic, Pregnant! Asami, i cried when i wrote this why do i hate myself, im sorry, poem fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 22:32:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19029274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meeko_the_raccoon/pseuds/meeko_the_raccoon
Summary: Based on this poem that was forwarded to me the week before Memorial Day: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/stillness-2Also based on personal experience. I know I'm late to the party but Memorial Day has a special meaning in my heart and I wanted to not post something this depressing here. I lowkey wrote it as a coming to terms fic but I hope you enjoy it





	Stillness

**Author's Note:**

> Please please please beware the fact that this is a depressing fic, it took me a couple of days to end and I even ended up changing the ending because of it.

Eternal lights flicker  
In a distant sky.  
Where have you gone;  
Why did you die?

-

Asami heard the knock on her door and she knew what it meant before she opened it. The person on the other side was either going to tell her that the mother of her unborn child was alive and recovered or that they ended the search to find her. Naga got up from her bed as if sensing the mood and walked over to Asami who was sitting on the couch reading a book. The raven haired woman got up and pet the top of the dog’s head, ignoring the whine that she gave. She looked through the peephole and found Korra’s superior officer, Captain Lin Beifong, at the other side wearing her dress blues and looking solemn. Asami felt tears prickle at the edge of her eyes but took a deep breath and opened the door. Behind Captain Beifong was her XO, 2nd Lieutenant Mako San, who also looked and probably felt like someone had run him over.

“Mrs. Sato, I came personally to deliver the news about SFC Sato’s MIA case investigation,” Lin said, her eyes crushing the small amount of hope that Asami had. “May we come in? You’ll want to be sitting for this.”

Asami opened the door and felt her defenses start to crack, if Korra was dead, Asami would be left all alone. She motioned for the two officers to follow her in to the kitchen where she had a small breakfast table they could sit at. Lin and Mako took their berets off and sat down as soon as Asami did, Lin immediately taking an envelope out of her jacket pocket to give to Asami.

“We bring good news and bad news Mrs. Sato,” Lin started and everytime she said Mrs. hurt Asami even more because she knew what this meant. “The good news is that we located SFC Sato. She was a POW deep in Syria and we found her alive, although badly injured.”

“So she’s alive? When is she coming home?” Asami asked caressing her stomach. Mako, Bolin and Asami had all grown up together and at her outburst Mako’s eyes started glistening.

“I’m afraid she’s not coming home Mrs. Sato,” Lin said, her head dropping down. “The reason that Lieutenant San is injured is because on their way to transport SFC Sato from where she was found to our secure base they were attacked by the enemy. Lieutenant San did his best to keep SFC Sato alive but her injuries were too great for her. She did not survive the attack.”

-

When I first saw you,  
You stole my heart,  
And until this awful day,  
We have never been apart.

-

Asami felt her tears cloud her vision and her shoulders heaving with sobs. Mako got up from his seat and hugged Asami ignoring the look that Lin threw at him. 

“Asami, Korra was captured protecting her platoon, she died a hero,” he said between tears. “At least she can be buried at home.”

Asami barely registered Mako’s words, pushing him away and getting up. “I think it’s best if both of you leave,” she said between sobs. 

“Mrs. Sato-”

“Don’t.” 

Lin nodded and grabbed her beret, glaring at Mako and motioning for him to leave with her. “If you need anything, don’t be afraid to contact the unit. We’re all stateside now and you’re not the only one who lost someone. You’re not alone Mrs. Sato, you have us. We will always be there for you,” Lin said before leaving the kitchen and exiting the apartment, Mako trailing behind her.

Asami felt her world crumble down, her wife was dead...and she left her alone when she was five months pregnant. Asami only felt the body of Naga drop down next to her, curling up and placing her head on Asami’s thigh.

-

I look to the heavens,  
Hoping to see you anew.  
Where have you gone?   
I’m searching for you.

-

The clouds covered the sky, promising rain but delivering none. The crowd gathered around the coffin, covered with the American flag and ready to be dropped down into the earth where it will sit, undisturbed. Asami felt a numbness cover her whole chest, the tears stopped flowing days ago and the phone calls remained ignored. She prepared herself for the twenty one gun salute she knew was coming and looked up when one of the Specialists that carried the coffin in took out a trumpet and started playing taps. The sound of the trumpet fading out was met with only the sound of the wind rustling tree leaves and the footsteps of Korra’s squad leaders folding the flag. Some of them still wearing wounds from the battle they had fought; one in particular, Bolin San, had an eyepatch that was surrounded by bruised flesh. SGT Jinora Air handed Asami the folded flag, her eyes full of tears and sympathy.

“On behalf of the President of the United States of America, the United States Army, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s honorable and faithful service,” she said and handed Asami the folded triangular flag.

The coffin was then gently lowered into the ground and one by one, the people around her went up to drop their roses into the pit where her wife was going to rest in. Tonraq and Senna, Korra’s parents, dropped a Forget-me-not from their home garden and Asami almost laughed at the irony. Korra was dead, she wasn’t going to remember anyone anymore. Asami gripped the white rose in her hand and took a deep breath before walking up. The collage that was up by the pit was full of Korra’s life; pictures of when she was a kid being held up by Tonraq, a picture of Korra as a teenager, her photo from basic, their wedding and some others that Asami glanced over. She dropped her flower into the pit and turned around ignoring the pitying looks from her family and friends.

-

My painful cries  
Fill the dark of night.  
I need your arms   
To hold me tight.

-

Asami woke up in a sweat, her chest heaving from how fast she was breathing. Naga started whining from the end of the bed and made her way up, licking Asami’s face as soon as she got there. With the dog by her side, she slowly calmed down from her nightmare and without thinking, reached over to Korra’s side to find it empty and cold. Tears welled up and Asami couldn’t stop them. Her chest once again begun heaving with sobs and Asami broke down for what felt like the millionth time that month. She felt the baby start to kick, probably in response to Asami’s emotional distress. The raven calmed herself enough and got up to get herself some water, Naga at her heels. She saw her laptop on the kitchen counter and sat down, knowing she wasn’t getting any sleep tonight.

The brightness of it took her by surprise in the darkness of the kitchen and she almost shut it down because of the background picture. She took a deep breath and focused on it, the blue of Korra’s eyes and how they contrasted with her uniform. The green of her own and how they stood out because of the necklace that Korra had made her as a engagement present. The white of her dress and the intricate patterns in the lace. What hurt her the most was how lovingly they looked at each other, Asami and Korra ready to face the world. Yet here she was, almost ten years later a pregnant widow. 

-

Where have you gone?  
Show me the place   
So I can once again see  
The smile on your face.

-

Senna hovered over Asami as her due date got closer and closer. Tonraq would come to her house and build the furniture for the nursery that Asami was ignoring in favor of doing work. Senna would come in and bring her lunch at work, occasionally bringing Korra’s grandmother Katara who would tell Asami to stop working to eat. The older woman was terrifying to ignore so Asami listened to her and ate. Her mother-in-law only wanted the best for her and she knew that but she couldn’t help but be angry that Korra was missing out on this. That she had gotten herself captured and died without Asami by her side. Without meeting their daughter who Asami would bet would look exactly like her. That’s another thing Asami was avoiding; the birth of her child. It wasn’t fair that she was doing this alone. Korra had so many plans for their child, ready to say no to the next contract and retire. This was supposed to be her last tour. She was supposed to come back. It was going to be a short one, only six months but one miscalculation cost her the love of her life. Asami knew that she was never going to move on from this. That she would always feel the pain of losing her wife deep in her heart. She knew that she would love her child but Asami also knew that everytime she looked into her daughter’s face, she would see some part of Korra and be sad because Korra should be the one bringing her lunches at work. She should be the one building the furniture with Tonraq. She should be there for her doctor’s appointments. 

Asami let out a deep sigh and opened the container of food that Senna had brought, the smell of it exciting her daughter and causing her to do somersaults on her lungs. She smiled knowing that Senna prepared this thinking of her and Korra, knowing that this was Asami’s favorite meal and that Korra would prepare it for her all the time. The sweet moment turned dark as Asami’s thoughts once again fell on the dark side and she pushed the food away in favor of working instead.

-

We met life’s challenges  
And somehow we made it through.  
But how do I do it  
Alone without you?

-

Katara had found the box of letters that Korra had sent her constantly, from basic and AIT all the way through before she disappeared. Asami just looked at it and smiled, pushing the box away. That night when she went to bed, she took the box from where Korra put it and opened it, reading some of the letters that Korra had sent her.

Dear Asami,

I repelled today from the high tower! Hundred feet up and it was terrifying the entire way down, I’m pretty sure one of my drill sergeants just straight up pushed me to get me to go down. Next week we go to the range and honestly? I’m so excited to go. I get to be out in the open and since we’re at the home of the artillery units, I might see some explosions! I’ll write to you again once we come back. 

Love,   
Korra

-

Dear Asami, 

Next week is graduation, which means you’re going to be here. First time in three months that I get to see you and I’m so excited. I might have a surprise for you when you get here but you’ll have to wait and see. I am really sad that I only get to see you for two days though, hopefully you can come visit me in AIT since I’ll be closer to home. Anyways, I’ll see you Thursday! 

Love,  
Korra

-

Dear Asami,

I still can’t believe you said yes. I’m so happy that we’re engaged….it feels amazing that soon I’ll be able to call you my wife. I know that AIT is longer than basic but if we survived through that with barely any communication, I believe that AIT is going to be a breeze. I love you so much and I can’t wait to see you again.

Love,  
Korra

-

Dear Asami, 

I know I know...I should’ve listened to you. Being a medic in the Army is all I’ve ever wanted but man...this deployment is rough ‘Sami. I’ve seen things that I’ve never wanted to see in my life and I’ve heard things that I’ve never wanted to hear. This is going to be a long year. I don’t know when I’ll be able to write again but please know that I love you and I’ll try to skype you whenever possible. 

We’ll get through this.

Love,  
Korra

-

Dear Asami,

First night of my deployment here and this is so much more different than Iraq and Afghanistan. I wasn’t expecting the situation here to be so bad, I’ve barely been here enough to settle down and I’m already getting a briefing on my first mission. I found out that my buddy from basic is here, a Staff Sergeant out on a mission but they haven’t heard from him or his squad in a while. They think he might’ve been captured but I don’t know much other than I’m terrified ‘Sami. I’m only supposed to be here for six months but I already want to go home…I want to be able to meet our daughter when she’s born and I want to be able to be there with you through your pregnancy milestones...I’m sorry this happened ‘Sami. I honest to God don’t know when I’ll be able to write or skype again, we’re going into this fast and I don’t think we’ll hit up base for a while. I love you and the little bean so much, send pictures of the sonogram! I’m so excited to see bean. 

I love you and I’ll do everything I can to come home to you.  
Love,  
Korra

-

Dear Asami,

I’m sorry I haven’t been able to write or Skype you, I can’t talk about what I’m doing much but it’s been incredibly busy work. I just got all of your letters, including the pictures of bean. Did I see the sonogram right?? Are we having a daughter?? God, I’m halfway through this deployment and I can’t wait to come home to you and the bean. Tomorrow we’re going off on another mission so I most likely won’t write again until we come back and by then, I might honestly be done here and be ready to go home. I love you. So much. If we can get through this, I’ll be done with all Army stuff and we can finally settle.

Love,  
Korra

-

Asami put the letters back in the box and put them under her bed. She was too exhausted to sob and just let the tears fall. Naga was asleep at the foot of her bed, the labrador softy snoring away. Asami’s looked at the dog and smiled, at least one part of Korra was still here. Naga had been hers from before they even met, the dog was very close to her late teens and Asami knew that she wasn’t going to last much longer. More tears fell out of her eyes at the thought of the dog dying but also because she knew that her contractions were coming, they were still too far apart for her to be in active labor but once again here she was. Alone. 

-

I know you are in my heart,  
But I long to see your face.  
Memories of yesterday  
Leave only a trace.

-

The hospital bed was wildly uncomfortable and Katara was holding her hand until Senna got there. The old woman was telling her that everything was going to be okay, her blue eyes identical to Korra’s held the same love and patience that her late wife did. As another contraction went through her body, Asami started sobbing. She didn’t want to do this with Katara. She wanted to do this with Korra. Her beautiful wife who did not deserve to die overseas, probably alone knowing that she would never see her daughter.

“Alright Mrs. Sato, it looks like you’re ready to push,” the doctor said after checking to see if she was dilated enough. “During your next contraction, go ahead and push.”

Asami pushed. For hours. The woman had known that labor was intensive, but she didn’t think it was this bad. She knew that something was wrong. She knew that something was going to happen tonight and that it was going to be bad, so Asami prayed that nothing happened to her daughter.

“Her pulse and pressure is going down fast,” one of the nurses said. Asami felt her energy go down and a squeeze in her hand from Katara. “Sir, we have to do something.”

Asami started seeing black spots in her vision and the medical team start to move around some more. Katara’s hand left her own and Asami started to panic, the pain causing Asami to refocus on her task. She pushed and pushed and pushed for what felt like hours and it wasn’t until the doctor was placing a bloody and screaming baby on her chest that she realized that she was done. She had dark hair, almost black like her own, and once Asami got her to stop crying she opened her eyes which were a deep blue like Korra’s. Asami felt her heart drop and immediately felt a pain radiate through her chest that she didn’t know how to deal with.

The medical team was running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Katara was off to the side with Senna who had tears in her eyes watching Asami’s once colorful face be drained of color. Katara knew what was going on, the bloody pile at the base of the bed told her that she was losing too much blood, too fast. She knew that if would be a miracle if Asami survived this.   
The heart monitor started the alert for a flatline and the medical staff pushed both of them outside, closing the door and leaving Katara and Senna out of the health of Asami.

Asami, on the other hand, lost herself in everything. Everything was black and then white. Too bright in her opinion. Once her eyes adjusted to the brightness, Asami saw a face that she didn’t think she was going to see again. Korra’s blue eyes showed surprise, then happiness before settling in absolute defeat. Asami ran to her and jumped into Korra’s waiting arms, kissing her wife with everything she had.

“‘Sami? What are you doing here?” Korra asked, putting her wife down. “Is the bean okay? How is she?”

“She has your eyes Korra, my hair and my chin but your eyes,” Asami said, tears starting to trickle down her face. “Where are we?”

“I think you know love,” Korra said with a sad smile.

Asami’s heart broke and she felt her soul shatter. If she was here with Korra, who was home with their daughter? If Asami was here...what would her daughter have?

“Am I dead Korra?” Asami asked.

“Technically yes, but that’s what I’m here for,” she said with a sad smile. “You can either come with me and stay with me or you can go home with the bean. The choice is ultimately up to you.”

Asami didn’t know what to say...losing Korra was hard enough but her daughter losing both of her parents? That was worse. Asami knew that Senna and Tonraq would take care of her but she couldn’t very well stay here knowing that she was going to leave her daughter alone in the world, a newborn without a name. Asami ran up to Korra and gave her a kiss, the hardest kiss she could muster. She hugged her wife and cried into her shoulder, knowing that while she would’ve loved to stay here with Korra and let her soul rest, she couldn’t leave her daughter alone.

“I know ‘Sami, I know,” Korra said, letting some stray tears out herself. “Don’t worry love, I’ll wait for you.” 

-

There’s emptiness now   
That nothing can fill.  
So I need to find you   
So I, too, can be still.

-

Asami woke with a gasp, her chest sore and emitting pain with every breath that Asami made. She looked around to see and empty hospital room, flowers covering every available surface and sunlight streaming in through the cracks in the curtains, leaving vertical lines of sunlight across the wall. Her heart monitor was going off and Asami vaguely registered the noise, mostly focusing on the fact that she had a heartbeat. Asami was so sure she had died, her vision with Korra so vivid. Asami took a deep breath and finally noticed the nurse at the door who looked shocked that she was awake and breathing.

“Mrs. Sato?” she asked, almost a whisper. Asami looked up and swallowed hard, nodding at the nurse. “Oh my god, please don’t move I’ll get the doctor.” The small woman ran out and Asami let her back rest against the hospital bed, big uneven breaths leaving her lungs.

“Mrs. Sato! So good to see you awake,” the doctor said. “Do you know what happened to you?” 

Asami went to move her mouth but it was dry, barely wet enough for her to make words come out. The doctor realized what was going on and took some water from one of the tables and brought it over to the small woman. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll just explain what happened,” he said helping Asami drink. “You gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl, your in-laws have refrained from naming her until you had woken up. You officially died for 4 minutes and because of that we put you into a medically induced coma so that your body could recuperate from both the birth, the blood loss and your heart stopping. You woke up surprisingly fast but we’re happy that you’re okay. I’ll let your family know you’re awake.”

There was a sort of stillness to the room that Asami relished in. Her throat was sore but she was happy to be alive and breathing. She looked around and the stillness was sort of...peaceful. She could see the dustmites floating in the air where the sunlight was it’s strongest. The hospital had sort of an eerie kind of silence and the only sounds coming from outside were the sounds of birds and the wind. She heard footsteps and saw Senna, Tonraq and Katara rush in, Senna immediately hugging her and Tonraq holding back his tears.

“We’re so glad you’re okay honey,” Senna said, her face sunken and exhausted. “I don’t know what we would’ve done if we had lost both of our daughters in one year.”

Asami felt her heart skip a beat at the sound of Senna calling Asami her daughter. Tonraq smiled and grabbed her hand, placing a gentle kiss on it. “I’m glad you’re okay,” he said, his voice filled with emotion.

Katara was still by the door, giving instructions to the nurse before turning to Asami. “Would you like to see your daughter?” 

Asami felt tears start to well up and she immediately nodded, smiling when the nurse came back with a car seat. Asami was in a sort of shock, she knew she had been in a coma but how long had she been in it?

“Now, she doesn’t have a name quite yet because we were hoping to see you awake before we had to name her. She’s two weeks old and got discharged before you did, but she’s a gorgeous little baby, every bit of Korra as you would expect,” Katara said taking the small girl out of her car seat and walking up to Asami.

Once she was in Asami’s arms, Asami let out more tears and started smiling. Her daughter’s eyes had gotten more vibrantly blue that she had thought possible, as if the ocean had taken place in her daughter’s eyes. She could see Korra’s nose and face, but the hair and chin were all her. Her daughter had long legs, Asami knew her daughter was going to inherit her height, possibly be even taller. She was the best parts of both Korra and herself, Asami knew that her name would have to do justice to her late wife and so the name she chose was the only name she could come up with at the time.

“Korra and I never discussed any names, always leaving for the last minute,” Asami started, taking her a couple of tries to start the sentence. “This girl is as every bit Korra as she is me, but her eyes speak more for her late mother than they will ever do for me. I can teach her how to be an engineer but I know deep down that this girl will be a copy of Korra in every way,” Asami said to her family members. “It’s so nice to meet you baby Korra.”

Senna and Tonraq gasped. They had been hoping that Asami would go in the direction of naming their granddaughter after their late daughter but choosing not to put that pressure on the widow. 

“She’s beautiful Asami,” Tonraq said smiling down at his daughter-in-law. “Thank you,” he whispered.

The family of four sat around the recovering mother looking down at the baby blues of little Korra and knowing that although the person they loved most in the world was gone, a part of her was always going to be right there for them.


End file.
